09.13.04 - 6:49 pm
so even after i updated, this blog was offline for a while. i apologize for the inconvenience. i'll try to post more regularly so that it stays online from now on, but no guarantees.
anyway, i just recently posted a long-ass lj update, so check that out if you want to know what's going on. i'm still sick but i'm feeling a lot better, so hopefully i'll be fully recovered by the end of the week. bleh. being sick is no fun. :(
i don't really have all that much to say right now... life has been pretty uneventful lately, which i suppose is a good thing. right now i think i'll try to round up some people to go eat. food is good.
09.04.04 - 7:48 pm
hah! i am updating! just to keep the goddamn thing online... but still. an update is an update, right? well, of course, no one is going to read this, but i might as well keep it online. just for kicks. a couple of people used to read this, so who knows.
anyway, life is good. ;)
very, very good.
don't know what the hell i'm talking about? im me, call the cell, something, and i'll fill you in.
less than three,
jessica
02.01.04 - 1:00 pm
got my first acceptance letter in the mail yesterday... i got in unca. so now i just have to wait for to hear back from the seven other schools i applied to. i should hear from furman in mid-march, then early to mid-april for all the rest. waiting sucks.
i'm going to norrie and amber's super bowl party tonight, more to hang out and watch the commercials than for the game itself. but it'll be lots of fun! i'm excited.
man, i have so much homework to do... stuff for graphic design and ap studio, poetry analysis stuff, plus the mwds that was due friday. and report cards come out on tuesday, and i need to get all my mid-year reports to mccloskey to fill out, and get another transcript mailed to furman so they get my semester grades. ugh. not to mention scholarship stuff... i am going to die.
i think i'll go work on some poetry stuff for a little bit before lunch... then after lunch try to tackle the mwds and gd&i work... or at least as much as i can get done before i have to leave to go to the party. whew!
12.31.03 - 11:42 pm
and i am thrown back a year to the end of 2002, when i sat here at my computer as i do now, alone. my parents are asleep, no one is online, and i am feeling a bit lonely sitting here by myself in the dark. scratch that. i am feeling pretty damn lonely.
happy fucking new year's.
12.30.03 - 2:36 pm
i'm so afraid to fall again.
((...catch me...))
12.21.03 - 5:34 pm
well, feeling a little less sick and a little more human now... but definitely not yet 100%. which makes it hard to concentrate on college apps. which i should be working on right now. ugh. already sent in my app for unca (minus the transcript... it is hiding in my norton and will be mailed tomorrow). but that's only one down, with six left to go... working on finishing up my grinnell app, since it's free online, but i'm sending the rest by snail mail, old-school style. haha. i also need to get some scholarship apps in... more like a lot of scholarship apps... because it would really suck if i can't go somewhere because it's so damn expensive. bleh.
apparently i have two avid readers. i am so popular! and by popular i mean not really. oh, and i was informed that i post so that i can be asked questions about everything... thanks, guys, i appreciate it. no, really, i'm glad someone reads this thing, i really am. i might be shifting over to livejournal, but i haven't convinced myself yet. i like d-land, and have been more or less anti-lj, but i dunno. we'll see. stay tuned!
and on a more serious note, no school for two weeks! which makes me very very happy. although i'm working tomorrow and tuesday 10-6, and 10-1 christmas eve... but i could use some money, because i always go broke at christmas because i get carried away with the whole gift-giving thing. it's fun.
well, it's back to college apps... and then i still have a shitload of homework to do... thanks, whiteside, because you know i live for ap12 over break... haha. well, and plenty of art history, too. plus psych, gd&i, and trying to pull up my grade in ap studio... wow. that is entirely too much to do when it is four days until christmas and you haven't wrapped anything yet...
12.14.03 - 6:49 pm
wow, my blog was last updated 72 days ago... there is something wrong with that. i guess it's just that every time i'm in the mood to blog, i can't. thus, i end up cursing cms and their internet blocks on all blog sites. grr.
but aside from that, it's all good. only... not really. i'd say life sucks, but that just seems so trite that it's really not even worth saying. and i could rant to someone because there are people online right now, but i don't want to talk to them and the only person i really want to talk to hasn't been online in months and could possibly have disappeared off the face of the earth.
damn. my grammar skills have gone to hell.
i really have nothing of any importance to say... and since i only know of one person who actually reads this thing, i don't know quite why i'm even bothering to post. whatever.
10.02.03 - 11:24 pm
here goes nothing...
What sets me apart? I have been struggling to find an answer to this question- it hasn't been easy. At first I tried to see how my accomplishments set me apart, how they make me stand out in the crowd. But then I realized that I was just another face without a name in a vast sea of applicants. I am one of thousands of highly qualified individuals, all with their own accomplishments and achievements. How could I possibly compete with that? But then it hit me- I am a unique individual with more qualities than just my intellect. Yes, I have been inducted into the National Art Honor Society, Mu Alpha Theta, and my school's own honor society, the Order of the Dragon. I have made good grades and am second in my class. I have received various school awards, and I have been the secretary of student government and National Art Honor Society. But this is not what sets me apart. In no way do I mean to belittle my achievements, but they are not what make me who I am, the person that I feel truly stands out. What sets me apart is my love of art in any form, be it performing, visual, or written. My hard work and dedication to whatever I set my mind to. My strong-willed stubbornness. My eagerness to help a friend in need, to offer a shoulder to cry on, or a pat on the back for a job well done. My recognition of laughter as a powerful form of medicine and my penchant for dark humor. The fact that I am an Asian American in the midst of white suburbia, waging a war against prejudice and stereotypes. All of my self-contradictions- my binders for school are the epitome of organization, yet my room (my haven) is a self-proclaimed pigsty; being a loner yet having the tendency to cling to people I am close to; creating art yet refusing to call myself an artist. And even this is but a small facet of who I am; I like to think that I am more than 500 words.
This having been said, I am still just a teenager, a seventeen-year-old girl struggling to find her place in the world. I, like many of my peers, am anxious to leave for college but worry at the thought of leaving home and friends and comfort zones. I worry about living on my own, out in the "real world", fending for myself. Despite these worries, I am sincerely looking forward to the start of my college career. To me, college presents a challenge, and I have always loved challenges. I plan to prove to myself and the world that I am Someone with a capital "S", a creative force to be reckoned with, a sharp-minded intellectual with a dazzling personality.
I am aiming high, and I play to win.
09.16.03 - 10:27 pm
thanks to jennifer for the new blog title! well, i actually said it, but she suggested naming a blog after it, so... yeah. her title shall be 'the title queen', because jennifer rocks at titling stuff and she deserves a title for it.
picnic in the parking lot sucked *ass*. i felt so sick and it was hot and miserable and clean up was a bitch. back-to-school night was slightly better- at least there was pizza. haha. i had two slices of pizza, two cans of coke, a milky way bar, and a sour apple blowpop, so now i am feeling a bit... full. rather, i am feeling quite full and might not need breakfast tomorrow morning. ugh.
school. blech. that is all i have to say.
i feel that this entry is rather dull and uninspired. i apologize profusely to those of you who read this thing (if you exist... i don't think you do, though...). if i have any loyal fans, i salute you and send many virtual hugs your way.
and now it is time for my daily online jigsaw puzzle fix.
09.10.03 - 10:20 pm
now for round two...
what i want is to be happy. not a false sort of happy, like when you're at the peak of a sugar rush and everything is so much more alive than usual. i mean really, truly happy. content. i want to be grown up and out on my own, living my own life, for me, not for anyone else. i want to live by my own rules, be my own keeper. i want to be free of all the regrets that plague me. some day, i want to be able to look back and think "i have had a happy, successful life" and not be swamped by a thousand regrets or things i wished i had done. i want to be able to seize the moment when the moment presents itself, take chances, risks. i want to be respected. not famous, just respected. to be able to know that i did something to help make the world a little bit better, like in "miss rumphius", which is a wonderful book. i want to be remembered, i do not want my name to die when my body does. but i do not want to be famous. i want to write a novel, and i want it to be amazing. i want the kind of respect that truly talented writers receive. i want to write for myself, from my heart, and craft something beautiful. i want to be beautiful. i want to carve out my own little niche in the world, my own little haven. i do not want to be tied down by a family. i want to be able to be independent, spontaneous. perhaps one day i will want to get married, maybe even have children. but today i want to be free. i want to live surrounded by books and computers, blending old and new. i want to be the kind of person that writes long letters to friends. i want to have a successful job, but one that i enjoy immensely; i want something that will make me want to get out of bed in the morning. i want to be an artist. i want to create. i want to find what i am passionate about and let it consume me. i want to feel that, that total abandon because you have found what makes you, you. i want to find myself. it will be a life-long process, but at the end of the road i want to be able to say "this is who i am". but at the same time, i don't want to be so focused on the goal that i overlook the joy of the journey. i want to travel. i want to learn latin because it is beautiful. i want to get a tattoo, maybe more than one, and i want them to be latin phrases. i want to get more piercings in my ears. i want to go on a road trip after i graduate college; i want to take as much time off as possible and drive across the country and back going through as many states as possible in the process. i want to be charismatic, enigmatic. i want to be the girl in the coffeeshop with the sketchbook that you want to meet and talk to and flip through the pages documenting their journey through life and their search to find out who they are. i want a lot of things. i want for these things to be possible. i want to wish on shooting stars, i want my wishes to come true. i want to find someone who understands me, truly understands me. i want to be loved for who i am, not who i pretend to be. because this is who i am, at least for the moment. i am the words that i write. this is my truth.
09.10.03 - 7:34 pm
well, it seems as though everyone else is blogging this, so i might as well hop on the bandwagon...
who am i? i wish i knew, because in all honesty, i am clueless. they say that high school is when you "find yourself", as if there is some magical moment when it suddenly hits you that *this* is who you are, and everything is just peachy. unfortunately, my life has never gone so smoothly. i am an artist, a writer, a lover of beauty. i am not a morning person; i am happiest being awake when everyone else is asleep. i am an independent spirit, fiercely independent. despite my quiet nature, i am strong-willed and stubborn, and i don't always sit back while someone else takes over. i am a feminist, i believe in equal rights. i am a pacifist, a conscientious objector, if you will. some days, i feel like i am seventeen going on twenty-one. i am desperate for my freedom from my "friends", from high school, from the city where i have spent the past seventeen years. i am a loner. party of one. i can be quite content sitting alone, with a book or spiral-bound notebook, blissfully unaware of what is transpiring around me. all right, ten more minutes to talk about me. what else to say... i am, and always have been, a people-pleaser. a perfectionist, or at least someone with strong perfectionistic tendencies. i had a happy childhood- it's funny how you can hit middle school and suddenly life is not nearly so bright as it used to be. some people call me a pessimist, and i suppose i am, although i prefer to think of myself as realistic with a pessimistic slant. my mom tells me i'm too cynical; i take it as a compliment. i am not perfect, though i certainly make every effort to be. i make mistakes. i have regrets. i am not without my faults, by any means, but i also find that the faults i see in others that i find the least appealing are often only seen that way because i can see them in myself. i am someone who never learned to type with your fingers on all the right keys- i've typed so much in my life that i get along pretty well anyway, even without looking at the keyboard. i'm a fast learner but slow to forget and forgive. i can be mean, harsh, and a hundred other unflattering things. i don't take compliments well, i have no self-esteem. (although i am attempting to develop some.) i think of myself as a person of extremes, always seeking yet never finding that perfect balance, equilibrium. i feel off-balance, incomplete; i feel as though i am searching for something that i do not know what it is or where to find it or even where to begin looking. i am a daydreamer. my own little world is much more inviting than reality. sometimes i think of reality as a slap in the face, and it's like being woken up from a beautiful dream and being unable to remember any of it.
07.30.03 - 11:44 pm
my room is done but not *done*. i had to quit being so damn ar about everything so i could be done enough to move back into my own room, but i still want to go through and do a really super thorough job. i figure that, as long as i'm cleaning my room in the first place, i might as well go all out. and it *will* be *done* by the time school starts, at least. hopefully sooner. knowing my procrastination, it will be later rather than sooner. lol.
acually posted on a blog today! *gasp* felt compelled to de-lurk long enough to respond to an entry on sonny's blog... posted my blog address... maybe that was a mistake. of course, it's not like anyone reads this thing. i don't think i would. all i do is rant and rave and be bitchy, three of the things i do best. i'm a triple threat. haha.
ugh, working tomorrow. then i (stupidly) agreed to help set up for our family reunion on friday, and the reunion itself is on saturday, so my weekend is shit. oh, and i think i'm babysitting friday night. social life? what's that?
anyone who might like to wish me a happy birthday, it's rapidly approaching. (i only wish it was 18 instead of 17... i think 17 years of being a minor are more than enough.) but my parents are taking me out to dinner, which will be nice. and cake. ah, cake. cake and ice cream. it's a beautiful thing. (mark your calendars... august 9 is the special day... and e-cards are a quick, free(!) way to send birthday wishes... hint hint.)
i think i am having a stupid moment. i apologize for this meaningless, shitty entry.
07.27.03 - 10:11 pm
got back from my trip friday night. it was pretty fun, a lot of car time crammed into not a lot of time in general, but i loved pittsburgh and carnegie mellon and i want to go there. lol. anyway, four of the five schools i'm going to apply to have been decided, and i'm working on picking the last one, which has been narrowed down to one of four. whew.
my ap scores came while i was gone, so i dug them out of the stack of mail that had accumulated as soon as i got home. they were... not what i had hoped for. i can be proud of my english, sorta proud of apush and physics. at least i passed those three. all i have to say is fuck calculus.
i'm looking forward to ap12 bible school, strange as that may sound. but i'll be able to hang out with people i haven't seen in a while, and there will be plenty of opportunities to make fun of them, i'm sure. and it should be a fairly small group, which is good, and even better because i like almost everybody that'll be there. oh, i'm such a bitch. but it's okay. haha.
my room is almost clean! and by almost i mean i *will* finish it tomorrow. mostly because my aunt is coming this week so i have to get my room clean so i can move out of the guest room. but i can see more closet floor than i can ever remember seeing in the past year or so. i can see floor in my room, and half of my bed. definitely making progress. it's going to look so wonderfully neat and organized once i'm done. sigh.
07.14.03 - 11:31 pm
updating once again! i figure i should try to actually write some shit before i leave to go on a mini road trip with my parents for a week. to visit colleges. i want to spend the week in pittsburgh. i get two and a half days. better than nothing. oh, and i go back to work tomorrow... it was nice having a week off. but i almost missed seeing coale. he's a cute kid. toddler. whatever. well, and the paycheck is always nice, too... they want me to work an extra day in august. i'm like "yeah, more money!" but it also means sacrficing another day of my precious summer vacation... oh well, screw it. i'm gonna work.
i have managed to read over 50 pages of the mayor of casterbridge, in only two sittings, no less! and one was last night, 11:45-12:30am. i am such a night owl. lol. it's actually quite good, and i'm thoroughly enjoying it, despite the fact that it's british lit and is a bit heavy on the mind. i am trying to not even *think* about the fact that i have hundreds of pages of reading *and* three mwds's left to do in about a month's time. at least i'll have lots of car time on our trip, so i can work on ap12 stuff then. speaking of ap12...
people suck. i have already had this conversation with jennifer, but i feel that it needs to be shared. people suck. they should all coordinate their damn summer schedules to make *my* life easier! i mean, dates and times are not helpful! i want "sure, any time is fine, just let me know when". from all of them! but no, that is too much to ask for. bastards. they suck. i am seriously considering "accidentally" excluding some people. after all, i get to make the final report(s) to whiteside. heh heh. i am laughing evilly, for those of you that cannot tell predict my expressions through the internet. oh, but i just *know* that there will be at least one *moron* (and most likely more than one) who waits to reply until *after* i have e-mailed whiteside. their e-mails will be conveniently lost in cyberspace, and they can kiss my ass. haha. i am predicting the future, here, people. anyone want to place a bet on my accuracy? just kidding.
to end this on a lighter note (before i go immerse myself in british lit for a while before crashing)... people suck. but not all of them. most of them, but not all. haha.
07.09.03 - 10:58 pm
well, guess what folks, someone forgot (again) that she has a blog until someone reminded her? (thanks jade, btw, for mentioning the damn thing.) so anyway... not much to talk about right now... i'm in the process of cleaning my room, which has got to be the most painful, time-consuming task ever. someone shoot me now. please. my room currently looks worse than it did when i started, because i have stuff sorted into piles, which are all over the floor and my bed. it's horrible. you are all banned from entering my house until my room is clean. (i'm sure you're all *terribly* disappointed.)
i only worked four hours this week! it's great. except i miss the money. i love the feeling of walking into the bank with a check made out to you and then walking out with an envelope full of money. *sigh*
i still have nothing even closely resembling a social life, hint hint. not that i really expect to have one, but it's always nice to stay positive about things... oh, who am i trying to kid, i am such a pessimist. haha.
i am starting to sound strangely bitter, so i think it would be best if i just shut up and went back to cleaning my room now...
07.04.03 - 10:30 pm
i know, i know, i forgot about my poor blog again. *sigh* but i'm back, and in under two weeks! impressive. anyway, happy fourth to anyone that might happen to be reading this... chances of that are pretty slim, though, if i do day so myself.
went to see 'spellbound' today- it was really really good. and i don't usually go for documentaries or documentary-type movies, either. but it was very well done, and remarkably entertaining for being a movie about kids in the national spelling bee. i would highly recommend it. 'bend it like beckham' was good, too, but in a totally different way. but i'd recommend that one, too. *still* haven't seen 'the matrix reloaded'! ergh.
hmm... what else to say... got "laid off" from one of my jobs. they had the little girl in daycare three days a week, and i took care of her twice a week. they decided to go with all daycare, just to be consistent. still have my other, better-paying job, though. plus a new, less time-consuming one. it is a strange feeling to have money... but it's a good strange. haha.
maybe i'll think of more random crap that no one cares about to talk about later.
06.23.03 - 9:10 pm
let's all say it together now... 'oh my god, she's updating the blog again!' haha. hey, i'm bored. and damn tired. went to work at 10. things went fine until it was olivia's nap time. she pitched a fit. an all out temper tantrum, flailing and screaming. i have never met a child that can scream like she can. it's this high-pitched, shrill sound. and then she would stop and i would think 'okay, maybe she's done...' but no, she was only pausing to take a breath. do i want kids. ha.
yes, so, today was not a great day. but i got my car back! i'm so happy. and the bumper is re-attached and the antenna doesn't make that horrible crunching sound anymore, which i (almost) miss hearing. my car is my baby. i'm not sure if that's a healthy thought pattern or not... but hell, if i'm not having kids, i need something to be like a baby to me. if that makes sense. at least cars don't wear diapers and throw temper tantrums and make youo tired you can't go to sleep. ergh. and i thought i was going to get rested this summer. haha.
i think i need some food right now... like, cookies and ice cream food. sugar. ahhh.
06.23.03 - 12:17 am
so perhaps i was not meant to be a part of the blogging world... went and deleted all of the old entries. seeing as how i hadn't updated in roughly two months, every was completely irrelevant to anything going on now. so i am starting from scratch. maybe this time i will remember to update the damn thing. then again, i say that every time. and does it happen? i'm not even going to answer that.
so it's summer. is it any coincidence that, now that school is out, i have become more antisocial, if that is possible? mhmm. the ever-present away message scares off most people, all but the most persistent, stubborn, relentless (desperate and starved for conversation) few. well, and said messages seem to confuse the hell out of people. quite entertaining, really. my, i have sunk quite low, getting my kicks from other people being confused by my away messages. *sigh*
someone call me! i would like to have some sort of a social life so that it is not so weird when (if) i have a birthday party. just keep in mind that i am currently working four days a week, mondays and wednesdays 10-5, tuesdays and thursdays 8-4. babysitting. all i can say is that i need money (very very badly, might i add) and people will pay a lot of money for someone else to watch their kid while they go off to work. speaking of work, i should probably head off to bed... i meant to go to bed by 11, maybe 11:30. but we all know the saying about good intentions, now, don't we? so i won't be redundant and say it. just be aware that it is there.
have not even opened my copy of order of the phoenix yet. i am determined to finish me talk pretty one day, then a book for ap12 (most likely mayor of casterbridge- is that spelled right? can't tell- just because it's british lit. ergh). then i will read/devour order of the phoenix, then it's back to ap12 summer assignment stuff. oh joy.
bed! ack. well, at least it's more sleep than during school. heh heh.
